This week my youngest daughter Ottilie reached 3 months old- and as always, those months feel like they have gone by in a flash, whilst at the same time, our life before her feels like a lifetime ago.
Ottie and I are nearing the end of our ‘forth trimester’- that first precious phase of life post birth where we have been trying to protect and support her very gentle transition from living in the womb to life on the outside. Which, in reality- has been her life inside me to her life… on me. We are basically one person right now! Just like her sisters when they were wee, she spends the majority of her time in my arms or wrapped snug to my chest in her sling (which, has always been a real lifeline for me in the first year).
As well as getting to know Ottilie and introducing her to the world- a huge part of the last 3 months has been adjusting to our new normal as a family of 5 and my step up to mum of 3.
One of the most frequent questions I’ve been asked since a Ottie arrived is ‘how are you finding it with 3?’. And often my response is something along the lines of "definitely outnumbered!". But really, I have so many thoughts and ramblings about how that adjustment has been. So rather than a quick school playground appropriate response, I thought I’d attempt to put my honest reflections of the first 3 months as a mum of 3 on ‘paper’ ….. so here goes…
So yes. I am outnumbered. For starters, I have more children than hands- so that is the very first logistical spanner in the works! I find myself multitasking (very badly) a lot- and feel like I’m just bouncing from one request to another and trying to keep up with everyone’s needs as best I can. While my eldest, Thea (age 5) completely understands all the things I have to do to take care of a newborn, my middle child Edie (who turned 3 just a few weeks ago) does get a bit frustrated with me not always being immediately available to her when she needs me. She will often ask to be picked up or for a cuddle when she sees that I’m feeding her sister and I can’t necessarily do it that easily at that moment- which I have felt really bad about. I do a lot of explaining to make sure she doesn’t feel rejected or second place- and make sure I always follow up with my promises as soon as I can.
Leading on from the above, I know that 1:1 time with each of the girls is so important- and I see the difference in their moods (and mine) when we have the opportunity to connect just the two of us. My ability to be alone for substantial chunks of time (or at all!) is pretty limited at the moment-but that doesn’t mean 1:1 time isn’t possible. I’ve learnt to be creative with finding those windows of opportunity with my older two girls, often when Ottie is sleeping in the sling, or if I’m lucky- in the buggy. Often it’s as simple as cooking dinner together (my eldest’s latest favourite thing to do together), doing a jigsaw, reading a book or doing 20 mins of Lego-it’s those precious dedicated moments that make all the difference to our connection. And I get in as many cuddles as I can as soon as my arms are free!
Getting out of the house and loaded into the car is one of the biggest challenges when I’m solo with all 3 girls. Collecting up all the various bags and bits we need is the easy part- negotiating with my middle munchkin to get in her car seat and to let me do her seat belt (she is adamant she wants to do it by herself) is the tricky part- and is almost always saved for the times when the baby is crying. It’s never when she is sleeping peacefully and happy in her seat that these delays happen- of course!
It's not just getting in the car that takes longer, pretty much everything now takes twice as long- and as someone that likes to be on time and is usually pretty prompt, this has been something I’ve had to get comfortable with and just loosen up on. Yes everything takes longer, but that’s okay. I’m learning to just slow down and taken a more relaxed pace with everything, because the more I rush the more stressful it becomes. And hey, its all about the journey not the destination right? (I think that's how the saying goes anyway).
To the above point also- This time around I’ve placed so much less focus on things like sleep routines or feeding times than I ever have before, and interestingly (could be a complete coincidence of course) she has been my baby that’s slept the best during the night (so far... me writing that is sure to jinx it!). I feel like I’ve truly followed her lead - and every feed and nap has been on her terms. While I’ve never really followed any kind of strict routine with my younger ones in the early months, I’ve definitely thought more about what was happening and when, especially with my first baby- and I often worked my day around crucial predicted sleep time and feeds. Nowadays, there are so many firm routines in place that I need to navigate (school drop offs and pick ups, the big girls meal times and bedtimes) that it’s actually easier not to add anything else that’s rigid into the mix and just go with the flow when it comes to Ottilie, and just responding to whatever she wants, when she wants. Yes sometimes her needs will clash with something else, but I’m just learning to be more flexible and go with it, and with the exception of school drop off and pick up, pretty much everything else can wait for a little longer 😊
In the words of Elsa, I've really learnt to- ‘let it go’ on a lot of things recently- and more freely choose where I can let there be more flex or freedom. Edie’s outfit choices for example. She has just turned 3 which she sees as being a fully fledged 'big girl' and has therefore decided that she’s a strong independent woman who must do absolutely everything herself, and I mean everything. On the one hand, this is wonderful, but this also includes a lot of things that are naturally pretty tricky for her with her 3 year old scale dexterity and strength. No matter how tricky she finds a task, she's doing it- no matter how long it takes (I have such admiration for her determination and perseverance). Dressing herself is one of those things on her must do list now. Yes, she puts together some questionable get up’s, and its not uncommon for things to be on inside out and back to front, but allowing her that independence has saved us many meltdowns, stress and tears (from her and me!). And on the plus side, we have made a few passers by giggle (turning up to the park dressed in a pirate costume was a highlight)- and we all need a bit more laughter in our lives don’t we. And in addition to that, I figure it’s helping her develop and grow and exert her own ‘style’ too 😊
Going to the park dressed as a pirate- because, why not!
My husband and I have really needed to work as a team and divide and conquer to make everything work. In the beginning, I tried to do and be in everything, and it just doesn’t work. I was afraid of missing out on Thea and Edie’s bath and bedtime routine- so I was trying to be there for it all with Ottie wrapped up on my chest in the sling. But it was logistically pretty tricky. Ottie would often be woken from a sleep by the girls larking about, and I also found the older girls getting frustrated with me not being able to pick them up or cuddle completely freely while baby wearing. as much as I wanted it to work- it wasn't always easy. I’ve learnt, that while Ottilie is so young and we have more children than adults, we are better off dividing our tasks and just going with it.
Perhaps an obvious one but, there is so much washing! I know we have another person in the house so it's a given, but I forgot just how much washing these little treasures create! I think they will find life on mars before I ever make it to the point where all the washing baskets are finally empty in this house.
I find that our days always feel very full, and I am constantly doing something. But then if you ask me what we have done, it doesn’t often sound like much! Just keeping up with 3 is enough to keep me on my toes without even stepping out the door.
So all in all, its been a pretty full but lovely couple of months getting to know Ottilie; watching Thea & Edie adjust to life with a new baby sister and getting accustomed to life as a family of 5.
Our decision to try for baby number 3 wasn't one we took lightly, and we spent a lot of time thinking about whether we should expand our family one last time. I sought out people I knew with 3 children and asked all the questions about family life, and read countless articles and blogs written about the transition from 2 to 3 children. Honestly, I think I put more thought into considering a third child than I did about trying for our first. After much careful thought, we decided that we had space in our hearts and our home (not the car mind you...that was an expensive pill to swallow!) for one more. And from the second that Ottilie arrived with us, we knew we had made the right decision. In the 3 short months she’s been with us, she has brought more love and joy (and yes, washing!) into our home and I can’t wait to see her grow up with her amazing sisters. I have loved watching the girls relationships grow with Ottilie as she’s started to become more alert and the chaos of having a new born has eased.
Thanks to my Husbands fantastic paternity leave benefit at work (3 months paid leave) - he is now about to take the full 6 week summer holiday period off- which we plan to fill with lots of family time and a road trip to France for a couple of weeks. The road trip abroad is perhaps a bit of a brave move with 3 kids under 6, but we love a challenge and figure that's how memories are made! So expect to hear more about our first oversea's adventure with the 3 girls soon!
Katie x